Time is Not a Fixed Construct

Hello everyone,

Denial is a funny thing. Denial can be defined as, according to Dictionary.com (and I'm paraphrasing), a refusal to acknowledge something. Now here's the thing with that definition: it doesn't mean you're ignorant. It means you know something but refuse to accept that information as fact. Or in another example, you know it but you push it out of your mind as much as possible due to it being too painful, difficult, or another emotion that can be hard for you to deal with, such as fear.

I have been told I'm in denial plenty of times about a variety of subjects. But with the pregnancy, it's different. Pregnancy has always scared me beyond belief. I know I'm pregnant, whether I feel pregnant or not, but I'm nervous about it so I try not to dwell upon it but it's hard. With an obvious fact, and becoming more obvious every day, people will say something like: "when are you due?" Now this question doesn't bother me even slightly. People are curious. What bothers me is what they say after I tell them July 7th: "wow, that's soon!" Aside from the random heart attack provided to me by strangers, it bothers me because if I'm to the point in my pregnancy where I'm showing this much, clearly I'm due pretty soon. I know there's lots of questions that bother pregnant women but questions don't bother me. Ask me anything. It leaves the answer up to me. It's the follow-up comments that can grate on my nerves.

What does this have to do with denial? Well, as much as I'd love to pretend that this is a very long science-fiction movie ending with a child exiting my body, it's reality and when something is that apparent, well, it's hard to forget about it. It's like a cast. If you broke your arm doing something stupid, say you were drunk or something, and all you want to do is forget about it, good luck. People are naturally curious and will ask you what happened to your arm, therefore causing you to relive that event every time someone decides to ask you about it. Even if you respond by telling them you'd rather not talk about it, you still know what happened.

The other problem is when you're over thirty weeks pregnant, and even before you hit that point, your body will start to betray you. Now I know that there are women who from week 1 to week 40 feel completely awful and I feel terrible about that. The vast majority, however, are somewhere in the middle. I've been very fortunate in having a mostly easy pregnancy. No matter how easy or how difficult your pregnancy is, your body is going to start to give out on you. I had to take off my engagement ring yesterday because my fingers have started to swell, enough where even though I've had my ring off for over 12 hours there's still a line on my finger from the ring. My back will suddenly and for no particular reason provide sharp pains for me that will leave me unable to move for a minute or two. If I walk for too long, I'll start developing that pregnancy waddle because I get slightly achy. My fingers can't hold on to things as well as they used to, causing me to be slightly clumsy. My digestive system, already slow and slightly painful, has somehow become slower causing me additional discomfort. And my fingernails... since when do they grow so fast?

I am having a bit of fun with being pregnant, though. People look at you with a different mindset, especially the people who know you. It can be nice to hear compliments, even though I have a tendency to believe nothing positive being said about me. I have gotten over that awkward "maybe she's just fat now" phase of the pregnancy and now I just look pregnant. What's also fun is because I still so often don't feel pregnant, I walk and move mostly like I did before I got pregnant which does create the occasional funny look from people. I like talking about my child and about how great my fiance is. If I wasn't so nervous about the physical portion of being pregnant this would be a whole lot more fun for me. Childbirth does still make me nervous.

I can't believe how close I am to being in my eighth month of pregnancy. Where has the time gone? With less than ten weeks remaining I'm growing to be more nervous everyday. I'm going to be a mother? What? Aren't I still a teenager and in high school or something? Isn't this 2005? My fiance has this theory that I'm already a mother because I'm responsible for the care of the child due to him being in my stomach, but my fiance isn't a father yet because he's not physically doing anything to care for the child. Just he waits until Father's Day in June!

I did have my baby shower last Saturday and it was very nice. I got a lot of very cute baby items and the vast majority are organic or eco-friendly. I'll probably provide some images and/or links to some of my favorite items.  Still on the "to purchase" list is a stroller, a carseat, and a sling. Those are my top three items right now and I do have gift cards and other gift money for them. I have other things I need of course, but those are the big purchases.

I did make those four bundt cakes which I will provide a picture of, plus my friend Justin bought me a micro Squishable which is now hanging on my car's rearview mirror, that I also have a picture of. For my future baking, I'm taking it one day at a time. I plan on making lace cookies, which will be fun I hope, and I've been considering making chocolate cherry cordials... but I'm not sure. I'll have to see.

Four bundt cakes with chicks at the top (chicks was the theme), two gluten/dairy free chocolate almond butter tarts for my sister and grandmother, and some strawberries as a garnish for the cakes.

Meet George. You can't see it, but there's a clip on him which I used to hang him up in my car. He's the most adorable thing!

That's it! I will provide another blog post next week. Enjoy the weekend!